


At a Loss

by peacefulriots



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Comfort/Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-10
Updated: 2015-06-10
Packaged: 2018-04-03 20:33:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4114056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peacefulriots/pseuds/peacefulriots
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A look into Barry's perspective as he watches his best friend and only love, Iris, grow up and deal with her own insecurities and the guys who exploit them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	At a Loss

_**Sophomore Year** _

Barry always wondered what went through Iris’ mind the first time a hazy, wolfish gaze fell on her. He wondered what switch seemed flick on in that beautiful brain of hers that made her feel like she needed that gaze; that she needed the athlete or drummer or pseudo-intellectual to wrap his arms around her and whisper nothing but sweet lies in her bronzed ear. Barry wondered how Iris fell for it each time; what insecurities lied behind that winning smile that made her feel less than what she was. It didn’t matter what Barry said to her: ‘you look great, Iris; you’ve been working that curl for ten minutes now’ or ‘I don’t know why you hang out with him; you’re too good for him anyway’. But his opinion never carried any weight because who was he? He was the lanky, awkward boy they fostered who was too afraid to let her know how beautiful she was and let others with impure intentions do the speaking for him.

Barry tapped his pencil on the edge of his desk, mentally calculating half-lives for his chemistry assignment. It was nearing ten o’clock on a Wednesday and he knew Joe would be doing his usual nightly checks; something he started when he spotted Iris batting those eyelashes at a guy who worked at the supermarket. “Radon 222 has a half life of 3.82 days. How long before…come in,” Barry looked over his shoulder, seeing Joe in the doorway. He never realized how tired Joe must be but, Iris always did. “You’re early.” Barry commented, pointing at the clock on his desk. “You’ve got six more minutes.”

“Yeah, I know.” Joe nodded slowly, eyeing the perimeter of Barry’s room. “How long d’ya think you’re gonna be up?”

“I’m half way done with half-lives and I still have my calculus homework and Iris promised she would help me with my English paper because I’m no good with words. Never have been. But, she got off volleyball practice so, she must be tired.” Barry rambled off like a list of facts, always mentioning Iris in any of his statements.

“You know her life better than I do, kid.” Joe laughed. “I’m driving you two to school tomorrow. We have to be out of this house by 7:30, ok?”

“Talk to your daughter about that.” Barry waved Joe off, focusing back on the elements in front of him. Time started to tick away and he heard the usual second knock on his door at around 10:30. Barry got up, opening the door slowly so it wouldn’t creak. Iris snuck in, the smell of her vanilla sandalwood perfume greeted his nose. She stopped in front of his mirror to check herself over, though Barry knows she did this step fifteen times before she got to his room. “Your second date with Jordy?” Barry inquired, eyeing the virginal white dress she wore under a leather jacket, Jordy’s leather jacket.

“Yeah,” Iris nodded excitedly, biting down on her never been kissed lips. “This time it’s just us. No Eva and Calum tonight.” She told him because this was big, her first solo date with Jordy Hicks, star of the soccer team. Barry knew he was no different but, he couldn’t let Iris know that because he never knew what he was talking about. She opened up the window by Barry’s bed, looking over her shoulder at him. “I have a good feeling about this, Bar.”

Barry sucked his lips in, nodding and hoping she believed his lie. “You look nice, Iris.” That was all he could come up with. And she waved it off, of course not believing him. Because who was he?

She crawled back in through his window that night sometime before the sky was dusted with the morning orange glow. Barry sat up in his bed, eyeing her shadow. “You ok?” Barry whispered into the darkness.

Even though her white dress still seemed to shine, Barry could make out the patches of dirt on it; Iris would throw the dress away that weekend.  Iris nodded slowly, pressing her fingers to her lips, marveling in that new, exciting feeling. “Everything’s great.” Iris and Jordy broke up two weeks later; she spent the night in Barry’s room, asking him what she did wrong in a slew of muffled sobs.

 

 

_**Junior Year** _

Though they never talked about it, Barry knew Iris was still beat up about her fling with Jordy. He found out, through those sacred locker room discussions that Jordy believed Iris was a prude. They spent the night in the park; he bought them good champagne from the liquor store in the bad part of town. Jordy hoped that with a little wine and dine Iris would let him between her legs like every other girl. He had her, lying prone in the grass by the gazebo. Every time he got close to her upper thigh, she would move his hand away.  “She’s still hot, though. She’s probably one of those fundamental Christians or something. They never give it up.” Jordy told his soccer buddies.

"The Christian girls are the freakiest, bro.” One told Jordy. “They’ll let you do anything to them besides what you really want.”

Iris moved on from Jordy. She met Damien Winters, who prided himself in his column in the school newspaper on feminist ideals. He didn’t believe anything he preached however; he did it to get girls.

Joe still made his nightly rounds at 10 o’clock sharp. He always checked on Iris last, thinking that’ll prevent her from sneaking out. Barry always seemed to laugh at how little Joe knew about his teenaged daughter. Still at around 10:30, Iris sneaks into Barry’s room and checks herself in the mirror. “You know Damien collects postcards with Frida Kahlo’s paintings on them?” Iris told Barry, hoping this would win over some points with him. “Barry, I like him, okay? I really like him.” She carefully relined her lips and puckered in the mirror, those lips no longer as innocent. “Plus, I’m more mature now and I’m more open. I have a good feeling about this, Bar.” She held onto his hand and smiled at him.

“Ok,” Barry nodded, opening the window for her. Her dress was a little tighter this time around; the blue fabric clung to the curves she developed over the past year. “You look great, Iris.” She feigned a smile, still not believing him because his appraisal had little value.

Iris arrived home very late. It was nearing six thirty when she was grappling at his window. Barry had been up for an hour, tweaking his science project before his presentation first period. He rushed over to the window, gripping under her breasts to lift her inside. She let out a small yelp when his pointer finger went a little higher than he planned. “Sorry, sorry,” He apologized. “Iris, Joe is going to know that you were out. Why did you come back so late?” He groaned, riled up from lack of sleep, anxiety, and frustration.

“Barry, it’s fine. I don’t feel well anyway. I’m not going to school today.” Iris told him, her voice lacked that certain Iris West sparkle. Barry looked down at her (he sprouted up that summer too) and pretended he didn’t see the messy purplish patches that peppered her neck and upper chest area. “Don’t say anything.” She warned him, pointing a finger at him. “I’m going to bed.” She walked by him, kicking off her heels and gathering them into her hands. She pivoted around to look at him as she closed his bedroom door and he swore he never saw her look more beautiful.

Damien never called her back and avoided her as much as possible in school until he graduated that June. Like clockwork, Iris climbed into Barry’s bed, letting him hold her. Her salty tears bled through his shirt. “I don’t get it. I did things differently, Barry. I let him touch me.” She whispered. “And I touched him. What else is there?”

 

 

_**Senior Year** _

There was more, however.

Iris found a new boy…a man, actually. Twenty one year old, Kash Collins. Barry was immediately put off when he realized Kash was going to go down to city hall to change the C of his last name to a K.  Barry also thought Kash was pushing twenty eight rather than twenty one but he didn’t tell Iris that. He hasn’t told Iris a lot of things.

It was their last year together. Iris would be staying close to home, going to Starling University and Barry would be going to UC Berkeley, still in the same state but a little ways from home. Barry thought about asking Iris to prom but that was before Nirvana wearing Kash drummed his way into Iris’ life. Barry was Iris’ date to prom when it came to Joe however. Kash would then meet up with them two blocks from the venue. Barry didn’t have much to say on the matter once he saw how Iris’ face lit up when he agreed to the plan.

It was the day after prom, Iris and Barry spent the whole day going on one of their last adventures in Central City as a twosome. She held onto his arm and cooed at him, while playing with his hair. “I’m going to miss you, Barry. You’re so lucky you’re getting away. I wish I could. Maybe next year…” She told him when they sat on a vacant park bench. “I’m sick of the people, the guys. None of them get me like you do.”

“What about Kash?” Barry inquired.

Iris shrugged, licking the stream of melted ice cream along her pinky. “He’s…a for now thing.” Underneath it all, Iris was still scared and insecure, Jordy’s words a constant reminder.  She acted like she was above it all like she finally learned her lesson, that the guys around her didn’t define her. But, she didn’t learn and she still needed their approval. Iris was a good actress but not the best. 

That night, Iris came into Barry’s room, going over to hug him instead of checking herself in the mirror. “Where are you off to?” Barry asked, taking notice of her outfit. The red dress hugged her in all those right places. Iris turned into a girl that Barry shamefully lusted over…not that he didn’t for four years now. She only grew one more inch and her head could rest easily on Barry’s chest. Her waist had whittled away into nothingness, causing that ideal hourglass figure to show through. Iris started wearing padded push up bras more often which Barry knew Kash enjoyed.

“Kash is downstairs. We’re just going to hang out.” Iris explained, knowing it was never just that.

Barry nodded, looking back down at his work. He was taking an online course for Berkley; it was a way for him to be ahead of the curve at least that’s what the guidance counselor said. He didn’t mind it, though. It kept his mind busy and off of Iris who seemed to control most of his thoughts. “Have fun, I guess.”

“Thanks,” She grinned. “I’ve got a good feeling about this one.” She nodded, speaking that inevitable curse into the universe. She opened the window and was gone before Barry could say how beautiful she looked.

Iris thumped into his room that morning, eyes rimmed with red. She stripped down from her clothes and found the shirt that Barry always laid out for her when she went out, climbing into bed with him. Barry knew something happened; something always happened. “What did he do?” Barry asked.

Iris wiped at her nose, the moon shining in her tear filled eyes. “I made a horrible mistake.” She cried, wrapping her arms around him. “I don’t know what else to do, Barry. I’ve given these guys everything I have. I don’t have anything else to give.” Her sobs caused shivers down his spine and he wanted to cry with her. “I had sex with him. He told me he loved me yesterday and not even two hours ago, he was so eager to throw me out of his apartment.”

Barry rocked her back and forth, kissing the top of her head. He wondered when she started to hate herself; when she looked to sleazy guys to feel beautiful. Barry had known Iris with the toothpick legs, the curly hair, and braces. Jordy, Damien, Kash…they didn’t. They didn’t know Iris like Barry knew her and he couldn’t even protect her from them. “He never deserved you, Iris.” Barry whispered into her. “None of them did.”

“Barry, it has to be me. I-I must be doing something wrong. I finally gave it up and…and,” She let the tears roll down her face. And there were no fireworks like she thought. There was no guy wanting to profess his actual love for her and cook her pancakes the next morning. She was only left with her tear stained cheeks as she climbed up the side of her house. She continued to cry, letting her body quake on top of him. They stayed quiet for a while; the only sound was her sobs as light streamed through Barry’s window.

“Iris, listen to me, for once.” Barry told her demanding her attention because what he had to say needed to land. “There is nothing wrong with you. There could never be anything wrong with you, Iris. It’s them; it’s always been them. They tricked you and they fooled you and I’m so sorry for that. I’m sorry that I couldn’t protect you like I wanted. I will always protect you, Iris. I love you. Always,” Barry told her. Saying that felt like that relief you get when you finish taking a final, only ten times more than that. He looked down at Iris, waiting for her response but her eyes were closed and her breathing slowed.

Iris didn’t hear him; she never did. She didn’t know that Barry thought she was the most beautiful girl he ever laid eyes on. She didn’t know that without her, Barry would be a mess of depressed emotions and self hate. She didn’t know that the time they spent together made him happy to be alive. She didn’t know that her smile falsified any scientific explanation on love.

Of course, he didn’t say all that because he wasn’t that great with words. Never has been. And if he was, would she care? Would it hold the same weight as the way Jordy kissed her that night or the way Damien touched her that night or the way Kash had her that night? Barry didn’t know. All he knew was that he couldn’t leave her and he never would.

 


End file.
